1. No auditions
2. Contestants are selected by picking out 15 names, at random, from the electoral register
3. It will be compulsory, by an act of Parliament, to enter the house and the contest if selected.
4. Each week 2 contestants will be nominated – 1 by private vote in the house, 1 by popular drinking game Fuzzy Duck – to be up for eviction
5. Evictions will take place on a Friday night in front of a live (baying) crowd. Both contestants up for eviction will be plied with huge levels of booze on the night so they are staggeringly drunk and potentially offensive on their exit from the house. Evictees will not walk out of the door and along the platform as is the case now. Instead they will be dropped through a trap door into a pool of crackerjack style gunge, after which they will drag themselves through a tunnel that leads into the interview studio where they will discuss what an incredible journey they have been on and just how much they have learnt about themselves, possibly being sick and declaring their love for everyone as they do so.
6. The winner of Big Brother becomes Prime Minister.
7. The first evictee becomes Nick Clegg.